7 Year Update - My Road to Freedom (pt1)

It is very fitting that my last post here was from 2017, making it a 7 year return to this platform, ushered in by an email from Blogger reminding me that this blog existed. I have been through quite a bit in my 7 year absence, much of it centered around protecting and keeping myself and children safe, while I navigated creating and implementing an escape plan from an extremely abusive situation. The main aspect of my safety centered around continuously building up my abuser's ego publicly (which can be seen on this blog). Singing his praises and never discussing the harm that he was inflicting upon me behind close doors and in front of other abusers who protected him, kept me safe, as I would be threatened often that I better not tell what he was doing to me, and if I did say anything the abuse would escalate as I was 'lying' on him. With a restraining order against him now in place, the second one that I attempted to gain as the first attempt occurred in 2015 a month before I was forced to marry him, I am now free to share my story.

I will begin by sharing my story as told to the counselor I began seeing after receiving my restraining order, as it was necessary to work through the sheer amount and severity of abuse that I had experienced with someone else, someone who understood the nefarious and insidious nature of abuse. My counselor though it would be beneficial for me to complete a Domestic Abuse Evaluation and the results of this are  copied below, with my counselor's name and abuser's name redacted for my continued safety. 

"NAME:

   Aunesty                                

 

EVALUATION DATE:   5/10/2021

 

INTRODUCTION:

 

     Aunesty began therapy with me on February 24, 2021. Her reason for coming to therapy is to receive help in recovering from trauma due to abuse in the relationship. As I spent time with Aunesty, I felt her concerns have not been adequately heard and I offered to write this assessment. It is unclear whether she is not being believed or she is not expressing herself properly. But, either way, having an organized report will be helpful in understanding what she is dealing with.

 

METHODOLOGY:

 

     I use my 17 years of experience in working with domestic violence victims to guide my interview questions. My list of questions come from a variety of sources and experts in the field of Domestic Violence. Aunesty was given 57 questions to answer.

  

SUMMARY:

 

    Aunesty did not ask for this assessment, but from our sessions together I thought it would be helpful for her to explain what she has been through. Aunesty has experienced emotional, verbal, financial, and physical abuse. Due to Trauma Bonding, Cognitive Dissonance, Gaslighting, Coercive Control, Fear and Intimidation, she has been reluctant to speak of these things. We still live in a world where domestic abuse is minimized unless there is physical violence that leads to medical or law enforcement involvement. The responses provided by Aunesty indicate she has experienced domestic abuse throughout the 8-year relationship with her estranged husband, K.

 

OVERALL FINDINGS:

 

      A “Yes” answer to several questions indicates a high probability that a person is experiencing domestic abuse. 

 

Some of the questions in which Aunesty answered YES:

 

PHYSICAL ABUSE

·       Is there any police intervention or legal issues?

·       Does he have a history of bad relationships or domestic violence?

·       Did he grow up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was he abused as a child?

·       Does he pressure you sexually, demand sexual activities you aren’t comfortable with?

·       Do you frequently worry about how he will react to things you say or do?

·       Does he destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

·       Does he threaten to hurt you, your children or pets?

·       Does he threaten to leave?

·       Do you have safety concerns?

·       Is there a protection order?

·       Does he have weapons?

·       If you share a resident, are you unable to leave?

·       Is he violent and/or does he lose his temper quickly?

·       Have you ever been hospitalized or seen a medical professional due to physical violence?

·       Do you have any chronic health issues related to this relationship?

·       Does he push, hit, slap, punch, kick, strangle, pull hair, or bite you or your children?

 

 

     EMOTIONAL ABUSE

·       Does he try to control you by being bossy or demanding?

·       Does he try to isolate you by having you cut off social contacts and family?

·       Does he refuse to give you any kind of physical attention?

·       Does he claim you are responsible for his emotional state?

·       Does he blame you for his mistreatment of you?

·       Does he constantly keep track of your time?

·       Does he insist on seeing your phone or other electronics?

·       Does he keep you awake?

·       Has he ever not showed concern in a situation you felt was cause for concern?

·       Does he give you the silent treatment?

·       Do his moods change abruptly?

·       Does he deny what he is doing or feeling?

·       Are you aware of things he does under the disguise of it being what is best for you?

·       Does he say or do things so you will feel sorry for him?

·       Does he use confusion tactic in arguments (Gaslighting)?

·       Does he lie?

·       Does he get family members and/or friends to turn against each other?

 

 

     VERBAL ABUSE

·       Does he accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

·       Does he call you names, belittle or criticize you?

·       Does he tell you there’s something wrong with you?

·       Does he make “jokes: that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you?

·       Does he yell at you?

 

     FINANCIAL ABUSE

·       Does he control the money?

·       Do you have to account for any money you spend?

·       Does he deny you access to bank accounts?

·       Does he do things to jeopardize your job?

·       Has he coerced you into getting him a credit card or loan?

·       Has he allowed you to generate income and taken advantage of it by accruing debt?

·       Does he insist you pay for everything?

·       Does he refuse to pay alimony or child support?

 

 

 

 OTHER

·       Does he act like a totally different (very likable) person in front of others?

·       Does he abuse drugs or alcohol?

·       Have your family and friends warned you about him or told you they are concerned for your safety?

·       Has a CFI or PRE been involved?

·       Does he talk badly about you to your children?

·       Are there other details about this relationship that indicate domestic abuse?

 

EXAMPLES OF OVERALL FINDINGS:

 

Physical Abuse

 

     On January 2021, Aunesty’s husband tackled her to the floor and shoved and slammed her against the wall. This abuse occurred while she was recovering from a surgery and was already experiencing a considerable amount of pain.  K has pushed, hit, slapped, body slammed and tackled her. Many times, these assaults happened when she was physically vulnerable, such as after her cesarian section with her twins, one month after her third child was born, and right after she had a biopsy and had incisions. He was also abusive to the kids, often when she wasn’t around to witness it. Only after he left the house and they started to feel safe, did they tell her about some of the physical violence that occurred. On one occasion he dislocated their youngest son’s elbow when he tried to drag him out of the house. Also, in January he made threats to kill her and he locked her in the basement. In the Spring of 2020 Aunesty was raped by K when he sodomized her against her will. Coercive sex occurred throughout their relationship. When she didn’t do what he wanted he would throw things, punch holes in walls, yell, knock down doors, and stomp on the children’s toys until they broke. On one occasion, when she was 6-7 months pregnant, he threw her over the back of the couch in a backbend position and wouldn’t get off her even though she was screaming in pain and telling him that it hurt. He has threatened to punch her in the face and stated how much he wants to hurt her. He has abused their dogs and even attempted to stab one of them. Aunesty has sustained strained and sprained shoulders, strained abdominal muscles while pregnant, and after a biopsy, her sutures were put at risk of being ruptured due to an attack by him.

 

Emotional Abuse

 

   Aunesty no longer has friends because K isolated her from them by getting angry with her when she did spend time with them. It got to a point where she was afraid to reach out to them. She had parameters set by him on what kind of tone of voice, body language, and word choice she could use to speak to him. He would erupt in anger if he didn’t like the way she was talking. K was very controlling and would demand she leave the store the second he asked, even if she wasn’t ready. He would time her outings to ensure she was going where she said she was going. Aunesty never got affection when she needed it. It was always on his terms. His moods would change rapidly and she was blamed if he was in a bad mood and he blamed her for his mistreatment of her. Aunesty experienced a form of emotional abuse, in which K would keep her awake and force her to listen to him for long periods of times, even during times when she was recovering from an illness or childbirth.

 

Gaslighting occurred often, with K telling her she was delusional, living in a fairy tale or making things up. This usually occurred if she confronted him about his behavior. He would also change the story so that he could deny what he did or blame her for being the aggressor. 

 

Verbal Abuse

     

      Aunesty was constantly criticized and belittled. She was told she was doing everything wrong and there was something wrong with her. He made jokes about her appearance, but yet, told her she should make herself repulsive so men were not attracted to her. He would yell at her, backing her into corners and poking his fingers into her chest, face, and forehead.

 

 

 

Financial Abuse

 

     For a while, Aunesty was forced to keep track of all her spending and she could only use a credit card with a $500 limit. K cut off all access to bank accounts. He threatened to take the kids from her when she wasn’t working. When she was working from home, he jeopardized her job by purposely picking a fight and yelling at her and prevented her from focusing on her work. Aunesty said she was coerced into getting him a credit card or loan and he took advantage of her income by accruing debt. K has not been paying child support or alimony and has continued to accrue debt that she is required to pay.

 

Other

 

     K has tried to alienate the kids from Aunesty by telling them lies, such as, she hit him and she called the police and lied about him. He has a history of being violent, destructive and aggressive with people. An ex-girlfriend of his contacted Aunesty and told her she was verbally and emotionally abused by K. He threatened to have her beat up. On one occasion he punched a man in the face in downtown Denver for looking at him. He has been kicked out of multiple establishments for being aggressive and has had the police called on him. K can act like a very likable person and he gets his family to support him and ignore his abusive behaviors. He has a strange relationship with his mother, even though she was abusive to him when he was a child. His father was abusive to both him and his mom. 

     

CONCLUSION:

     Aunesty completed an assessment that covers all of the most common warning signs and behaviors of abuse. These signs come from experts in the field who work with abusers and victims. There were a total of 51 questions that apply to Aunesty’s relationship. Answering “yes” to even just one question can indicate abuse, depending on what question it is. Aunesty answered “yes” to 89% (51/57).

 

    Most prominent of the questions answered yes to were in the categories of physical and emotional abuse. She has lived in fear of her husband throughout their relationship, with his threats of taking the children away from her. Being a mom is the most important thing in this world to her and he has used that to his advantage and to control her. She has been socially isolated, controlled and abused. After particularly bad assaults, he would say he was sorry and ask her forgiveness. He would bring up his childhood trauma to garner sympathy and make excuses for his behavior. But then later he would deny he did anything wrong. 

 

     Aunesty knew she had to leave the relationship, but she also knew she had to be smart about it. He had threatened and made good on his threats enough times that she believed him. Her main concern has always been the safety of her children. She didn’t have support from family or friends so she was left to figure out her escape on her own. Even the police were not there to help her and they called a DV incident “mutual combat.” That gave K even more control because Aunesty knew she was on her own. Until it was safe for her to leave she had to endure his rage and physical attacks and do the best she could to prevent them. Her second and third pregnancies happened while she was on a birth control method. Sex with K was always controlling and forced. 

 

It wasn’t until Aunesty was able to get a protection order and have K leave the house that she felt safe enough to file for divorce. For a long time after he left, the children were scared and did not want to sleep alone. It took a while for them to feel comfortable and when they did they started to tell her some things that their Dad did to them that she was not aware of. Currently, there is a CFI involved in this case.

 

If you have any questions about this assessment please contact me."

It has taken great courage for me to persist and survive for the almost decade I was trapped in the situation described above, and it has taken even more courage for me to continue in the face of the abuse that has persisted from my abuser now that I have escaped him. He is still severely emotionally and verbally abusive via the legally approved way me must communicate for the children with the restraining order in place, as we both share custody. I refuse to be silenced any longer, I have every right to tell my story and what I have been through and continue to go through. I am a survivor of one of the highest degrees and sharing my story is healing for me and can be helpful for others, so they know that they are not alone and they can also make it out of extremely difficult situations and thrive despite the obstacles in their way. All praise to the Most High God, Creator of All, who has been my continued strength, comfort and source of peace as I continue to heal and be the best person and mother that I can be. 

Be Kind...To Yourself

I recently was on Google just a Googlin' away, looking up childbirthin' stuff and such, and I came across this awesome blog post about positive affirmations and a line from that post really stuck out to me. That line was "be kind to yourself". It seemed to shout out at me from the page and really made me think. How often do I run around my day, especially now that I'm pregnant and I don't have as much energy as I used to, and criticize myself for all that I don't get done?

How often do I feel stressed because there seems like there is so much to do and so little time? How often do I feel guilty because there seems to be a loose end left untied somewhere? How many times have I worried that I haven't given the twins or my love exactly what they needed, or spent enough time with them or my love? So many times I tell ya, so many times.

After 'be kind to yourself' became a repeated mantra chanted in my head, I realized I didn't even know what the word 'kind' even meant. I had to look it up on the Google.

²kind

adjective

: having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

Woah! To be kind to myself means I want and like doing good things for myself and bringing  myself happiness? Why does this seem like such a hard pill to swallow? Why does the thought of this immediately make me feel uncomfortable? As if in me being kind to myself would equal that I am being selfish?

As human beings we are not allowed to be kind to ourselves, it is something that is completely unaccepted and untaught. We are taught that it is acceptable to put others above ourselves till we suffocate our own wants and needs. Being a martyr is something that is looked upon highly and glorified, but we are missing a very important point in the midst of the self sacrifice.

 We cannot be kind to others unless we are first kind to ourselves.

 I want to be the absolute best me that I can be for my family and friends. I want to treat everyone close to me with love, kindness, compassion, patience, and respect, and to effectively do this I must first learn to be patient with myself , respectful of my desires and needs, compassionate of my mistakes and emotions, and above all else be very kind to myself; kindness I believe embodies all of these traits.

Today is the first day of me actively choosing to be kind to myself. To be aware of the thoughts that I allow myself to think and the expectations that I place upon myself. I am excited to see where this journey takes me.